white people

Comments I’ve Left on Yahoo News Stories

tumblr_m6cb9lkGUh1rwvio4o1_400On Drake:

Hey Wheel Chair Jimmy, go fuck yourself.

On the so-called ‘gay agenda’:

They want to shove dicks down your throat. That’s the ‘gay agenda’. A dong in every throat.

On bra sizes:


On Kim Kardashian:

Seriously, you know how christians always blame the bad things that happen to us due to gay people and liberals? I think bad things happen due to KIM FUCKING KARDASHIAN! QUIT BREATHING ALL MY FUCKING AIR! YES I’M MAD!!!

On dog grammar:

I feel like dogs would have better grammar.

On Michelle Obama’s celebrity:

You people would debate the color of orange juice.

On mermaids:

I feel like a real mermaid would be better looking in the face :/

On American health:

Americans can’t have Kinder Eggs because we are all fucking retarded apparently, and we’re so fat we’d tried to wolf down the plastic toy inside.

On the source of Kim Kardashian’s ‘talent’:

40 lbs. of tit meat.


Now That’s What I Call Music!!! (AKA Hipster Playlist)


Karen Carpenter had the voice of an angel. An angel that gave off a slightly sinister vibe that totally creeped everyone out, but an angel none the less. Karen Carpenter looked like a perennial forty year old and was probably banging her brother. Sometimes when I get really blitzed I sing Close To You, which is unfortunate since it sounds like a song that should be playing during the climax of a serial killer movie.


If you are unfortunate enough to date me, at some point you will be privy to my fervent love of 90’s gangsta rap, as exemplified by the Geto Boys. The Geto Boys were comprised of Scarface (PBUH), Willie D., and Bushwick Bill, a diminutive, take no prisoners, rapping elf dwarf. Their big single was My Mind Playing Tricks on Me, proving that hard-as-nails rappers can also be afflicted by the same sort of paranoia that torments an eleven year old white girl on anti-depressants. Their second most famous song, Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta,  reminds me of a barmaid I once saw pull a baseball bat on a man, then respond “I’m the whole ass!” when said man called her an asshole.


Ah, Lita Ford, you are a breath of smokey, slightly beer-tinged air. I can identify with Ms. Ford because sometimes I go out looking for love, only to end up in a bar fight. Hey, it happens. Lita Ford was once in a band with Joan Jet, which means the two of them had more balls than all of Metallica combined.


Nickelodeon used to be a channel when people watched television through a thing called cable. Wha? I know, fucking weird. Anyhoo, they used to play shit like The Monkees, which will jump start a seven year old’s rock jones quicker than Mountain Dew and Pop Rocks. Mmmmm, heart explosion. My favorite was the weird one. You decide who that is.