Action Stars You Wish Were Your Dad

My dad was one of those guys who’d take the garbage out and never return. Last count, I think I have approximately 800 half brothers and sisters, many of whom I’ve never met. I’ve most likely made fun of them in Wal-Mart or read about their arrests in the paper, but I have strict no-scumbag policy in my life.

Because I’m a father-less child, I’m always on the look out for surrogate father figures, and who better than those occupying the action pantheon. These guys range from wise-cracking weirdos to even wiser-cracking weirdos. I can guarantee this list will be free of Sly Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, because those guys are to the action genre what Marilyn Monroe is to female hero worship, i.e. the bastion of unimaginative hoes everywhere.

Kurt Russell

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Oh what the fuck, they’re out of pepperoni.

Kurt would give you your first beer (don’t tell mom), then let you drive him to the liquor store to re-up on MD 20/20. He has the perfect ‘oh what the fuck?’ face, as illustrated above. While Kurt would be great fun, I have a feeling he’d probably bow out after awhile and leave the parenting to your mom’s new boyfriend, a lube tech with a pretty severe cough syrup habit.

Bruce Willis

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Bruce Willis would probably take you fishing and stare quietly at the water freaking you the fuck out. Only years later would you realize this was his way of telling you he loved you.

Samuel L. Jackson

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Sam Jackson would say fuck a lot and smoke weed in front of you. I get the feeling he would employ a laissez faire style of parenting. Sam I Am would drive a 70s Station Wagon with a red interior and have lots of mistresses all over town, who would give you treats and toys while you were waiting for Sam to finish banging them.

‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper

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Mr. Piper would take you to his cabin in the woods and tell you about all the really cool things he learned listening to Alex Jones. Apparently, this former wrestler believes that They Live was actually a documentary. Things would be great with the Pipes until he started insisting on wrapping everything in tin foil and playing Russian roulette.

Mel Gibson

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Mad Mel would be the kind of dad that takes you along to his favorite bar, then bitches relentlessly about all the women in his life. My boyfriend says I shouldn’t include Mel because he is a fundamentalist Christian. While that may be true, chances are he probably has a stockpile of killer drugs.

Steve McQueen

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Steve McQueen is like the Cadillac of father figures. While you wouldn’t see much of old Steve (he’d be too busy boffing classy broads and racing million dollar sports cars), just a pat on the head from this icon would sustain you for years to come. If he was a really nice guy he’d buy you one of those automated baseball catchers for bastard children.

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Now That’s What I Call Music!!! (AKA Hipster Playlist)

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Karen Carpenter had the voice of an angel. An angel that gave off a slightly sinister vibe that totally creeped everyone out, but an angel none the less. Karen Carpenter looked like a perennial forty year old and was probably banging her brother. Sometimes when I get really blitzed I sing Close To You, which is unfortunate since it sounds like a song that should be playing during the climax of a serial killer movie.

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If you are unfortunate enough to date me, at some point you will be privy to my fervent love of 90’s gangsta rap, as exemplified by the Geto Boys. The Geto Boys were comprised of Scarface (PBUH), Willie D., and Bushwick Bill, a diminutive, take no prisoners, rapping elf dwarf. Their big single was My Mind Playing Tricks on Me, proving that hard-as-nails rappers can also be afflicted by the same sort of paranoia that torments an eleven year old white girl on anti-depressants. Their second most famous song, Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta, ¬†reminds me of a barmaid I once saw pull a baseball bat on a man, then respond “I’m the whole ass!” when said man called her an asshole.

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Ah, Lita Ford, you are a breath of smokey, slightly beer-tinged air. I can identify with Ms. Ford because sometimes I go out looking for love, only to end up in a bar fight. Hey, it happens. Lita Ford was once in a band with Joan Jet, which means the two of them had more balls than all of Metallica combined.

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Nickelodeon used to be a channel when people watched television through a thing called cable. Wha? I know, fucking weird. Anyhoo, they used to play shit like The Monkees, which will jump start a seven year old’s rock jones quicker than Mountain Dew and Pop Rocks. Mmmmm, heart explosion. My favorite was the weird one. You decide who that is.

Return of Dicks

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Return of Kings is a very popular website for unlucky men who need a manifesto to get laid. While your average man can get by on looks and charm, these chodes apparently have to concoct complex strategies just to garner a second look from a woman. Therefore they are quite bitter, which leads to feminist-baiting articles about dating women with eating disorders and how women with short hair are ‘damaged’.

While I could launch a million criticisms of modern women, these guys are a bit lacking in critical thinking abilities. The articles on Return of Kings are all about ideas in the embryonic stage that never make it through their gory and troublesome birth. The pieces posted on this site typically start with an interesting concept or idea, but quickly become bogged down by shitty writing that often includes personal anecdotes that read more like a really lame letter to Penthouse.

What’s truly illuminating about the site is how the writers often get it wrong, much like Steve Carrell likening a woman’s breast to a bag of sand in the 40 Year Old Virgin. For instance, the short hair article shows a massive misunderstanding of why women choose to go short. Most women who cut their hair short do so for functionality, i.e your elderly aunt Sue gets up at 5 AM and can’t be bothered with morning maintenance. Other women do it because they think they look better with short hair. Long hair can overwhelm delicate features, and sometimes a pretty face becomes breathtaking with a shorter cut. Some women may cut their hair short as a means of ‘acting out’ or rebelling, but this is just one of many reasons. Of course, a reasoned argument doesn’t lead to thousands of comments and retaliatory articles. Linking short hair with mental illness does however, and the result is that Return of Kings is gaining some kind of cultural cred for being the last word on maleness. Except that it’s not.

Lots of people become extremists of one kind or another because of things that happened to them. So a man who is unlucky in love due to his looks, personality, or whatever else may play a role, will begin to construct a fable that all women are evil, manipulative harpies out to ruin him and every other man they come across. Women are prone to this as well. Many women harbor contemptuous views of men in total due to their shady dealings with a select few. In both cases, the onus of the problem may lie inside the person themselves, but this level of self-awareness is usually out of reach for most people.

In a perfect world we would all be able to see through this facade quite clearly. Return of Kings isn’t trying to start a revolution of men, they’re simply after clicks. Also, they’d be hard pressed to get any men on board who aren’t involuntary bachelors for life. Return of Kings core demographic have more in common with the recent Swiss cheese pervert than your average comely young male.

These guys will surely go the way of Dick Masterson and Tucker Max and all the other pro-men idiots that have an exceedingly small…bag of tricks. They’ll cause a ruckus for a small period of time, until the less mentally-stealthy among us finally catch up. When that happens, these guys will fade into oblivion, only to be replaced by some other sad-sack collective of put-upon beta males searching for meaning among their better looking brethren.