My dad was one of those guys who’d take the garbage out and never return. Last count, I think I have approximately 800 half brothers and sisters, many of whom I’ve never met. I’ve most likely made fun of them in Wal-Mart or read about their arrests in the paper, but I have strict no-scumbag policy in my life.
Because I’m a father-less child, I’m always on the look out for surrogate father figures, and who better than those occupying the action pantheon. These guys range from wise-cracking weirdos to even wiser-cracking weirdos. I can guarantee this list will be free of Sly Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, because those guys are to the action genre what Marilyn Monroe is to female hero worship, i.e. the bastion of unimaginative hoes everywhere.
Kurt would give you your first beer (don’t tell mom), then let you drive him to the liquor store to re-up on MD 20/20. He has the perfect ‘oh what the fuck?’ face, as illustrated above. While Kurt would be great fun, I have a feeling he’d probably bow out after awhile and leave the parenting to your mom’s new boyfriend, a lube tech with a pretty severe cough syrup habit.
Bruce Willis would probably take you fishing and stare quietly at the water freaking you the fuck out. Only years later would you realize this was his way of telling you he loved you.
Samuel L. Jackson
Sam Jackson would say fuck a lot and smoke weed in front of you. I get the feeling he would employ a laissez faire style of parenting. Sam I Am would drive a 70s Station Wagon with a red interior and have lots of mistresses all over town, who would give you treats and toys while you were waiting for Sam to finish banging them.
‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper
Mr. Piper would take you to his cabin in the woods and tell you about all the really cool things he learned listening to Alex Jones. Apparently, this former wrestler believes that They Live was actually a documentary. Things would be great with the Pipes until he started insisting on wrapping everything in tin foil and playing Russian roulette.
Mad Mel would be the kind of dad that takes you along to his favorite bar, then bitches relentlessly about all the women in his life. My boyfriend says I shouldn’t include Mel because he is a fundamentalist Christian. While that may be true, chances are he probably has a stockpile of killer drugs.
Steve McQueen is like the Cadillac of father figures. While you wouldn’t see much of old Steve (he’d be too busy boffing classy broads and racing million dollar sports cars), just a pat on the head from this icon would sustain you for years to come. If he was a really nice guy he’d buy you one of those automated baseball catchers for bastard children.