How to take a picture of your dick (for fun and profit)

Banana-2As most young adults are well aware, romance isn’t what it used to be. Things that would have gotten you slapped in the face in years past are now totally acceptable. One such example of this dating sea change are the proliferation of dick pics, and the role they play in the modern courtship ritual.

 While many men seem to believe they merely need to be present to take a proper dick pic, the truth is that dong shots are most definitely an art form. A well-taken portrait of your wiener can mean all the difference between garnering a second (or, hell who are we kidding, first) date, and being put on some kind of watch list for pervs.

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 When composing the perfect dong shot, it’s best to be considerate of your audience. Think of it like a date. Would you show up at someone’s house, hair askew, tooth paste drool all over your face, and expect your paramour to greet you with either open arms or legs? Of course not. You also wouldn’t show up naked, knocking lamps off tables and asking “Do you have somewhere I can put this thing?”

Presentation is key. Unless your boy is gold-plated and capable of rupturing a spleen spruce it up a little, but not too much. A fully erect member can sometimes be considered intimidating; conversely, no prep is just rude and lazy (looking at you, Brett Favre).

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The standard configuration, often utilizing a cell phone camera and full length mirror, can be a little clinical. If you can’t find a good-natured friend to snap a shot for you, get intimately acquainted with the timer feature on your camera. I would recommend reposing, on a bed or perhaps in a comfortable chair, as though you’re inviting the viewer to climb on and have a go. Maybe invest in some sexy accoutrements, like a smoking jacket and some candles.

Practice a smoldering look in the mirror. Direct eye contact can come off as a little aggressive, so maybe look down at your member as you cradle it in your hand, like you’re staring at the freshly birthed baby Jesus, awed but in a relaxed, ‘I just smoked a monster joint’ kind of way. Or maybe give it an unimpressed look, like ‘you again’. After all you get to see it on a daily basis, while the recipient does not.

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You may be asking yourself, ‘But Stacie, what about my balls?’ This is a question I’ve entertained numerous times. What about your balls? I’d say keep those guys out of the picture unless you know for sure the recipient is a confirmed ball freak. It’s the difference between Playboy and Hustler. I won’t lie, balls aren’t my favorite part of the male anatomy. I find it funny when they are too big or too small or too hairy or not hairy enough. In this way I feel like I’m the Goldilocks of Gonads. I’m really just looking for the perfect pair, and if you believe you are in possession of them please send me a picture.

 

Open Letter to Kanye West

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(This piece got me fired from a magazine and had me blacklisted from Thought Catalog indefinitely. Enjoy!)

Hi Kanye, huge fan here, though not necessarily of your music. I just think you’re fascinating. You started out as a fairly staid hip hop artist, but now you’re wearing masks like Slipknot and running around Europe in a leather kilt, then threatening people for showing pictures of you wearing said kilt, then opening yet another twitter account only to close it again for the umpteenth time. Some say the illuminati got you, and to that I answer we can only hope.

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In addition to being fascinated by your behavior I also have a huge affinity for your song Gold Digger, though I can’t exactly relate, as I have no gold to dig and I’ve never been pursued by a mob of money hungry video hos.  Which brings me to the real point of my letter. Remember in Gold Digger when you said

18 YEARS/18 YEARS/ SHE GOT ONE A YOUR KIDS/GOT YOU FOR 18 YEARS

Well, I wrote my own version of that brilliant lyric. It goes

18 YEARS/18 YEARS/YOU KNOCKED UP A KARDASHIAN/YOU DUMB SHIT

Maybe you didn’t know it but Kim Kardashian is the worst person in the world ever. Not only is her nearly world wide acclaim not warranted by anything more than an amateur pee video, but she’s also spawn of the evil Robert Kardashian, one of the dastardly OJ lawyers. White people can forget several hundred years of institutionalized slavery, but we will never forget that time that OJ Simpson was acquitted of murder by a jury of his peers. So she’s doubly evil, if that’s at all possible. 

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Somehow you guys found each other, as swollen celebrity egos are wont to do, and you apparently made a baby. Not to go all Jewish mother on you but seriously, what happened with you and Amber Rose? She seems like a sweetheart and her ginormous posterior certainly rivals Kim’s butt meat. But now she’s procreated with Wiz Kahlifa. I think their kid is going to look weird. Wiz is too tall and skinny and Amber’s too short and stout and I’m worried their kid is going to come out a super compressed ball of matter. 

But I digress hilariously. Kim seems very high maintenance, as evidenced by the butt implants, while you seem really full of yourself. I can only imagine how entitled your yet to be named child North by North West will turn out. He/she North by North West is going to make Blue Ivy look down to earth. While she’s palling around on the French Riviera with Gwyneth Paltrow’s Apple Seed your kid will be having sleepovers on the space station and taking secret tours of the Vatican.

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18 years, Kanye. 18 loooooong years in which the silicone in Kim’s butt implants is bound to give out. And then what? You are left with a child more akin to intergalactic royalty and a wife whose major contribution to society is a line of titanium reinforced under garments sold at discount stores. I know it seems like I’m picking on Kim and of course I am. I happen to believe that society pays a toll for fever-blistered egos like Ms. Kardashian and her cadre of money grubbing family members. Why legitimize their existence with a baby that Kim will surely treat like a fashion accessory? The birth might as well be sponsored by TMZ. As an aside can we possibly get some drone attacks on whatever building the TMZ stronghold is housed in under the auspice of ‘cultural’ terrorism? You know what, we can come up with a reason later, that seems to be in line with how we do things anyway.

GET A JOB, SIR!!! THE BUMS LOST!!!

I genuinely treasure the little things in life. Seeing my rivals grow old and fat. Finding gum in the bottom of my purse. Aging backwards. But getting quoted by the queen of social justice herself? Well, I just might buy a cake.

“It happens every other month like clockwork: Immediately after I post the fundraising reminder, my inbox lights up with messages from conservatives telling me to “get a job.” “If you want money so bad,” goes one (typical) email I received earlier this week, “get a job like everyone else.” This is my job.”

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LOL, guys I’m a conservative now. She conveniently left out the part about her husband making $100,000 a year.

In Swag We Trust

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Justin Bieber, Canada’s answer to Rick Ross, has been terrorizing pop music since 2008. After posting some Youtube videos featuring the Beeb’s dulcet tones and lesbionic good looks, talent scout Scooter Braun recognized an opportunity to bilk confused young girls out of their milk money and thusly Bieber became a star.

Despite his girlish figure and seemingly sweet demeanor, deep down Bieber is probably an asshole. Probably? The Beeb is definitely an asshole. I associate him with all that’s wrong with the world, from YOLO to swagger. Swag, as I understand it, is when young men whose balls have yet to drop try to fool society into thinking they’re bad ass and Bieber is their queen. The concept of ‘swag’ and Justin Bieber go together like self taken profile pictures and low sperm counts.

Justin has a higher Klout score than both the Dalai Lama and the president. The only difference is that Justin’s proponents are all teenage girls jacked up on hormones and diet soda, hardly a power wielding demographic. However they do become unhinged when you cross them, as evidenced by the unbridled hatred directed towards Bieber’s former girlfriend Selena Gomez. I’d say Justin could assemble these girls pretty easily with a strongly worded tweet:

Hey girl, I been thinking ‘bout taking over the world. Will you be my new world queen?

Or something like that. They’d have control of the streets by night fall. Barack Obama would be deposed and Bieber would be anointed boy king of the United States. I can see it now, in Swag we trust all over our money, every man over 5’7” would be eliminated so King Justin would feel tall, universal healthcare. Actually that one might not be so bad.

But like all things, the age of Bieber will pass. One day, and hopefully soon, another lithe young fellow will come calling and take away Justin’s lady army. Justin will then be re-routed to that place where former teen heart throbs go to die. He can spend his days griping with fellow has-beens like Scott Baio and Richard Grieco. Remember him? Neither does anyone else.

Comments on Movies I’ve Added to Facebook

download (1)My Best Fiend (1999)
The heart warming story of a megalomaniacal German director and his schizophrenic muse. Complete with yelling in German, and threatening death on difficult actors. A must see for the whole family.

Grizzly Man (2005)
The heart warming story of a mentally challenged actor and the bears who love, and eventually, eat him. A must see for the whole family.

Last Days (2005)
The heart warming story of a drugged addled rock star and his band of pseudo gay hipsters. A must see for the whole family.

images (1)Milk (2008)
The heart warming story of an eccentric gay city council man who was murdered due to another man’s love of Twinkies. A must see for the whole family.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
The heart warming story of Russell Brand attempting to look human. A must see for the whole family.

002a0065-0000-0000-0000-000000000000_00000065-06d4-0000-0000-000000000000_20130424224142_marky markTed (2012)
The heart warming story of one man’s talking teddy bear and the bloody rampage that follows suit. Starring Marky Mark Wahlberg and the hot girl from That 70s show. A must see for the whole family.

Would You Rather (2013)
The heart warming story of what happened to the guy from Re-Animator. Apparently he holds sadistic dinner parties now, IDK. A must see for those who thought Saw wasn’t classy enough.

Upstream Color (2013)
A heart warming story for people who thought Primer was a comedy. Look out for a very special guest appearance from none other than Mickey Rooney. A must see for the whole family.

images (2)The Graduate (1967)
The heart warming story of an unassuming Jewish fellow and his campaign of terror on a local family. A must see for the whole family.

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
As you can see, I’ve committed fully to this.

katherine-heigl-eating-a-hostess-cupcakeKnocked Up (2007)
The heart warming story of going bareback with Katherine Heigl. A must see for the whole family.

Sleepy Hollow (1999)
The heart warming story of the last good movie Tim Burton ever made. A must see for the whole family.

download (3)American Psycho (2000)
The heart warming story of misunderstood millionaire and the women that love him. Also, chainsaws. A must see for the Manson family.

American Beauty (1999)
A tender bio-pic detailing how Mena Suvari turned Kevin Spacey gay. A must see for the whole family.

download (2)A Beautiful Mind (2001)
The heart warming story of Russell Crowe acting the fuck out of some shit. A must see for the whole family.

Back to the Future Trilogy (1985 – 1990)
The heart wrenching story of how time traveling causes Parkinson’s disease. A must see for the whole family.

images (3)Natural Born Killers (1994)
The heart warming story of love in the time of smash cuts and 90s techno music. A must see for the whole family.