Hate Hate Hate

Tacos Aren’t Cultural Appropriation, They’re Delicious

1348391186-slut-walk-london-2012-march-in-london_1471192That depends, are you delicious?

Are tacos hate crimes? No wait, come back. Tacos are a pretty great way to get your salt/fat/meat daily allowance while celebrating a proud culture who’s chief exports are cocaine and decapitation. But these days, tacos are a lot more than a tasty treat. They’re merely another example of cultural appropriation in action.

check-your-privilegePrivilege Check: Still White

Cultural appropriation is a very serious instance of people (usually white) over-stepping their boundaries by partaking in a culture that is not their own. Everyone knows white people have no culture, save for Katherine Heigl movies and steaming vegetables to mush. However, we just love other cultural offerings, such as the aforementioned delicious tacos. So if your mom insists on having a taco night, tell her she is a shitlord, like so:

Shitlord Mom: Who’s up for tacos!!!

Pie-Gendered Walrus-Kin: I’m offended by what you said.

Shitlord Mom: But Zoe, you love tacos –

Pie-Gendered Walrus-Kin: IT’S CALLED GOOGLE, OK???? I’M NOT HERETO BE YOUR TEACHER!!!

Of course, another aspect of cultural appropriation that is less discussed is the white-liberal tendency to become offended on behalf of minorities. This is a great way to indulge in some righteous indignation when you have no horse (kin) in the race. You see this most often on Facebook, the bastion of armchair social justice warriors everywhere.

Palm oil aritcle banner 2I provide hummus to fat vegans

What happened to experiencing new cultures to learn more about things of which you are unaware? I’m not talking about Miley Cyrus walking around with a pimp step or Madonna calling her son the n-word on Instagram. I mean eating a goddamn taco every now and again, or watching a foreign movie, or reading up on a culture half-way around the world. These used to be things intelligent people did to be better informed about things they couldn’t experience first-hand. Now they are considered hate-crimes. Please plan dinner accordingly.

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Comments I’ve Left on Yahoo News Stories

tumblr_m6cb9lkGUh1rwvio4o1_400On Drake:

Hey Wheel Chair Jimmy, go fuck yourself.

On the so-called ‘gay agenda’:

They want to shove dicks down your throat. That’s the ‘gay agenda’. A dong in every throat.

On bra sizes:

WHERE WILL MY LITTLE TITS LIVE???

On Kim Kardashian:

Seriously, you know how christians always blame the bad things that happen to us due to gay people and liberals? I think bad things happen due to KIM FUCKING KARDASHIAN! QUIT BREATHING ALL MY FUCKING AIR! YES I’M MAD!!!

On dog grammar:

I feel like dogs would have better grammar.

On Michelle Obama’s celebrity:

You people would debate the color of orange juice.

On mermaids:

I feel like a real mermaid would be better looking in the face :/

On American health:

Americans can’t have Kinder Eggs because we are all fucking retarded apparently, and we’re so fat we’d tried to wolf down the plastic toy inside.

On the source of Kim Kardashian’s ‘talent’:

40 lbs. of tit meat.

Open Letter to Kanye West

kanye-west-stupid-celebrity-tweets

(This piece got me fired from a magazine and had me blacklisted from Thought Catalog indefinitely. Enjoy!)

Hi Kanye, huge fan here, though not necessarily of your music. I just think you’re fascinating. You started out as a fairly staid hip hop artist, but now you’re wearing masks like Slipknot and running around Europe in a leather kilt, then threatening people for showing pictures of you wearing said kilt, then opening yet another twitter account only to close it again for the umpteenth time. Some say the illuminati got you, and to that I answer we can only hope.

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In addition to being fascinated by your behavior I also have a huge affinity for your song Gold Digger, though I can’t exactly relate, as I have no gold to dig and I’ve never been pursued by a mob of money hungry video hos.  Which brings me to the real point of my letter. Remember in Gold Digger when you said

18 YEARS/18 YEARS/ SHE GOT ONE A YOUR KIDS/GOT YOU FOR 18 YEARS

Well, I wrote my own version of that brilliant lyric. It goes

18 YEARS/18 YEARS/YOU KNOCKED UP A KARDASHIAN/YOU DUMB SHIT

Maybe you didn’t know it but Kim Kardashian is the worst person in the world ever. Not only is her nearly world wide acclaim not warranted by anything more than an amateur pee video, but she’s also spawn of the evil Robert Kardashian, one of the dastardly OJ lawyers. White people can forget several hundred years of institutionalized slavery, but we will never forget that time that OJ Simpson was acquitted of murder by a jury of his peers. So she’s doubly evil, if that’s at all possible. 

kim_kardashian_crying

Somehow you guys found each other, as swollen celebrity egos are wont to do, and you apparently made a baby. Not to go all Jewish mother on you but seriously, what happened with you and Amber Rose? She seems like a sweetheart and her ginormous posterior certainly rivals Kim’s butt meat. But now she’s procreated with Wiz Kahlifa. I think their kid is going to look weird. Wiz is too tall and skinny and Amber’s too short and stout and I’m worried their kid is going to come out a super compressed ball of matter. 

But I digress hilariously. Kim seems very high maintenance, as evidenced by the butt implants, while you seem really full of yourself. I can only imagine how entitled your yet to be named child North by North West will turn out. He/she North by North West is going to make Blue Ivy look down to earth. While she’s palling around on the French Riviera with Gwyneth Paltrow’s Apple Seed your kid will be having sleepovers on the space station and taking secret tours of the Vatican.

Kim-Kardashian-Crying

18 years, Kanye. 18 loooooong years in which the silicone in Kim’s butt implants is bound to give out. And then what? You are left with a child more akin to intergalactic royalty and a wife whose major contribution to society is a line of titanium reinforced under garments sold at discount stores. I know it seems like I’m picking on Kim and of course I am. I happen to believe that society pays a toll for fever-blistered egos like Ms. Kardashian and her cadre of money grubbing family members. Why legitimize their existence with a baby that Kim will surely treat like a fashion accessory? The birth might as well be sponsored by TMZ. As an aside can we possibly get some drone attacks on whatever building the TMZ stronghold is housed in under the auspice of ‘cultural’ terrorism? You know what, we can come up with a reason later, that seems to be in line with how we do things anyway.

GET A JOB, SIR!!! THE BUMS LOST!!!

I genuinely treasure the little things in life. Seeing my rivals grow old and fat. Finding gum in the bottom of my purse. Aging backwards. But getting quoted by the queen of social justice herself? Well, I just might buy a cake.

“It happens every other month like clockwork: Immediately after I post the fundraising reminder, my inbox lights up with messages from conservatives telling me to “get a job.” “If you want money so bad,” goes one (typical) email I received earlier this week, “get a job like everyone else.” This is my job.”

Shakesville: Get a Job

LOL, guys I’m a conservative now. She conveniently left out the part about her husband making $100,000 a year.

In Swag We Trust

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Justin Bieber, Canada’s answer to Rick Ross, has been terrorizing pop music since 2008. After posting some Youtube videos featuring the Beeb’s dulcet tones and lesbionic good looks, talent scout Scooter Braun recognized an opportunity to bilk confused young girls out of their milk money and thusly Bieber became a star.

Despite his girlish figure and seemingly sweet demeanor, deep down Bieber is probably an asshole. Probably? The Beeb is definitely an asshole. I associate him with all that’s wrong with the world, from YOLO to swagger. Swag, as I understand it, is when young men whose balls have yet to drop try to fool society into thinking they’re bad ass and Bieber is their queen. The concept of ‘swag’ and Justin Bieber go together like self taken profile pictures and low sperm counts.

Justin has a higher Klout score than both the Dalai Lama and the president. The only difference is that Justin’s proponents are all teenage girls jacked up on hormones and diet soda, hardly a power wielding demographic. However they do become unhinged when you cross them, as evidenced by the unbridled hatred directed towards Bieber’s former girlfriend Selena Gomez. I’d say Justin could assemble these girls pretty easily with a strongly worded tweet:

Hey girl, I been thinking ‘bout taking over the world. Will you be my new world queen?

Or something like that. They’d have control of the streets by night fall. Barack Obama would be deposed and Bieber would be anointed boy king of the United States. I can see it now, in Swag we trust all over our money, every man over 5’7” would be eliminated so King Justin would feel tall, universal healthcare. Actually that one might not be so bad.

But like all things, the age of Bieber will pass. One day, and hopefully soon, another lithe young fellow will come calling and take away Justin’s lady army. Justin will then be re-routed to that place where former teen heart throbs go to die. He can spend his days griping with fellow has-beens like Scott Baio and Richard Grieco. Remember him? Neither does anyone else.