How to take a picture of your dick (for fun and profit)

Banana-2As most young adults are well aware, romance isn’t what it used to be. Things that would have gotten you slapped in the face in years past are now totally acceptable. One such example of this dating sea change are the proliferation of dick pics, and the role they play in the modern courtship ritual.

 While many men seem to believe they merely need to be present to take a proper dick pic, the truth is that dong shots are most definitely an art form. A well-taken portrait of your wiener can mean all the difference between garnering a second (or, hell who are we kidding, first) date, and being put on some kind of watch list for pervs.

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 When composing the perfect dong shot, it’s best to be considerate of your audience. Think of it like a date. Would you show up at someone’s house, hair askew, tooth paste drool all over your face, and expect your paramour to greet you with either open arms or legs? Of course not. You also wouldn’t show up naked, knocking lamps off tables and asking “Do you have somewhere I can put this thing?”

Presentation is key. Unless your boy is gold-plated and capable of rupturing a spleen spruce it up a little, but not too much. A fully erect member can sometimes be considered intimidating; conversely, no prep is just rude and lazy (looking at you, Brett Favre).

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The standard configuration, often utilizing a cell phone camera and full length mirror, can be a little clinical. If you can’t find a good-natured friend to snap a shot for you, get intimately acquainted with the timer feature on your camera. I would recommend reposing, on a bed or perhaps in a comfortable chair, as though you’re inviting the viewer to climb on and have a go. Maybe invest in some sexy accoutrements, like a smoking jacket and some candles.

Practice a smoldering look in the mirror. Direct eye contact can come off as a little aggressive, so maybe look down at your member as you cradle it in your hand, like you’re staring at the freshly birthed baby Jesus, awed but in a relaxed, ‘I just smoked a monster joint’ kind of way. Or maybe give it an unimpressed look, like ‘you again’. After all you get to see it on a daily basis, while the recipient does not.

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You may be asking yourself, ‘But Stacie, what about my balls?’ This is a question I’ve entertained numerous times. What about your balls? I’d say keep those guys out of the picture unless you know for sure the recipient is a confirmed ball freak. It’s the difference between Playboy and Hustler. I won’t lie, balls aren’t my favorite part of the male anatomy. I find it funny when they are too big or too small or too hairy or not hairy enough. In this way I feel like I’m the Goldilocks of Gonads. I’m really just looking for the perfect pair, and if you believe you are in possession of them please send me a picture.

 

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