(This piece got me fired from a magazine and had me blacklisted from Thought Catalog indefinitely. Enjoy!)
Hi Kanye, huge fan here, though not necessarily of your music. I just think you’re fascinating. You started out as a fairly staid hip hop artist, but now you’re wearing masks like Slipknot and running around Europe in a leather kilt, then threatening people for showing pictures of you wearing said kilt, then opening yet another twitter account only to close it again for the umpteenth time. Some say the illuminati got you, and to that I answer we can only hope.
In addition to being fascinated by your behavior I also have a huge affinity for your song Gold Digger, though I can’t exactly relate, as I have no gold to dig and I’ve never been pursued by a mob of money hungry video hos. Which brings me to the real point of my letter. Remember in Gold Digger when you said
18 YEARS/18 YEARS/ SHE GOT ONE A YOUR KIDS/GOT YOU FOR 18 YEARS
Well, I wrote my own version of that brilliant lyric. It goes
18 YEARS/18 YEARS/YOU KNOCKED UP A KARDASHIAN/YOU DUMB SHIT
Maybe you didn’t know it but Kim Kardashian is the worst person in the world ever. Not only is her nearly world wide acclaim not warranted by anything more than an amateur pee video, but she’s also spawn of the evil Robert Kardashian, one of the dastardly OJ lawyers. White people can forget several hundred years of institutionalized slavery, but we will never forget that time that OJ Simpson was acquitted of murder by a jury of his peers. So she’s doubly evil, if that’s at all possible.
Somehow you guys found each other, as swollen celebrity egos are wont to do, and you apparently made a baby. Not to go all Jewish mother on you but seriously, what happened with you and Amber Rose? She seems like a sweetheart and her ginormous posterior certainly rivals Kim’s butt meat. But now she’s procreated with Wiz Kahlifa. I think their kid is going to look weird. Wiz is too tall and skinny and Amber’s too short and stout and I’m worried their kid is going to come out a super compressed ball of matter.
But I digress hilariously. Kim seems very high maintenance, as evidenced by the butt implants, while you seem really full of yourself. I can only imagine how entitled your
yet to be named child North by North West will turn out. He/she North by North West is going to make Blue Ivy look down to earth. While she’s palling around on the French Riviera with Gwyneth Paltrow’s Apple Seed your kid will be having sleepovers on the space station and taking secret tours of the Vatican.
18 years, Kanye. 18 loooooong years in which the silicone in Kim’s butt implants is bound to give out. And then what? You are left with a child more akin to intergalactic royalty and a wife whose major contribution to society is a line of titanium reinforced under garments sold at discount stores. I know it seems like I’m picking on Kim and of course I am. I happen to believe that society pays a toll for fever-blistered egos like Ms. Kardashian and her cadre of money grubbing family members. Why legitimize their existence with a baby that Kim will surely treat like a fashion accessory? The birth might as well be sponsored by TMZ. As an aside can we possibly get some drone attacks on whatever building the TMZ stronghold is housed in under the auspice of ‘cultural’ terrorism? You know what, we can come up with a reason later, that seems to be in line with how we do things anyway.