In Swag We Trust

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Justin Bieber, Canada’s answer to Rick Ross, has been terrorizing pop music since 2008. After posting some Youtube videos featuring the Beeb’s dulcet tones and lesbionic good looks, talent scout Scooter Braun recognized an opportunity to bilk confused young girls out of their milk money and thusly Bieber became a star.

Despite his girlish figure and seemingly sweet demeanor, deep down Bieber is probably an asshole. Probably? The Beeb is definitely an asshole. I associate him with all that’s wrong with the world, from YOLO to swagger. Swag, as I understand it, is when young men whose balls have yet to drop try to fool society into thinking they’re bad ass and Bieber is their queen. The concept of ‘swag’ and Justin Bieber go together like self taken profile pictures and low sperm counts.

Justin has a higher Klout score than both the Dalai Lama and the president. The only difference is that Justin’s proponents are all teenage girls jacked up on hormones and diet soda, hardly a power wielding demographic. However they do become unhinged when you cross them, as evidenced by the unbridled hatred directed towards Bieber’s former girlfriend Selena Gomez. I’d say Justin could assemble these girls pretty easily with a strongly worded tweet:

Hey girl, I been thinking ‘bout taking over the world. Will you be my new world queen?

Or something like that. They’d have control of the streets by night fall. Barack Obama would be deposed and Bieber would be anointed boy king of the United States. I can see it now, in Swag we trust all over our money, every man over 5’7” would be eliminated so King Justin would feel tall, universal healthcare. Actually that one might not be so bad.

But like all things, the age of Bieber will pass. One day, and hopefully soon, another lithe young fellow will come calling and take away Justin’s lady army. Justin will then be re-routed to that place where former teen heart throbs go to die. He can spend his days griping with fellow has-beens like Scott Baio and Richard Grieco. Remember him? Neither does anyone else.

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