Return of Dicks


Return of Kings is a very popular website for unlucky men who need a manifesto to get laid. While your average man can get by on looks and charm, these chodes apparently have to concoct complex strategies just to garner a second look from a woman. Therefore they are quite bitter, which leads to feminist-baiting articles about dating women with eating disorders and how women with short hair are ‘damaged’.

While I could launch a million criticisms of modern women, these guys are a bit lacking in critical thinking abilities. The articles on Return of Kings are all about ideas in the embryonic stage that never make it through their gory and troublesome birth. The pieces posted on this site typically start with an interesting concept or idea, but quickly become bogged down by shitty writing that often includes personal anecdotes that read more like a really lame letter to Penthouse.

What’s truly illuminating about the site is how the writers often get it wrong, much like Steve Carrell likening a woman’s breast to a bag of sand in the 40 Year Old Virgin. For instance, the short hair article shows a massive misunderstanding of why women choose to go short. Most women who cut their hair short do so for functionality, i.e your elderly aunt Sue gets up at 5 AM and can’t be bothered with morning maintenance. Other women do it because they think they look better with short hair. Long hair can overwhelm delicate features, and sometimes a pretty face becomes breathtaking with a shorter cut. Some women may cut their hair short as a means of ‘acting out’ or rebelling, but this is just one of many reasons. Of course, a reasoned argument doesn’t lead to thousands of comments and retaliatory articles. Linking short hair with mental illness does however, and the result is that Return of Kings is gaining some kind of cultural cred for being the last word on maleness. Except that it’s not.

Lots of people become extremists of one kind or another because of things that happened to them. So a man who is unlucky in love due to his looks, personality, or whatever else may play a role, will begin to construct a fable that all women are evil, manipulative harpies out to ruin him and every other man they come across. Women are prone to this as well. Many women harbor contemptuous views of men in total due to their shady dealings with a select few. In both cases, the onus of the problem may lie inside the person themselves, but this level of self-awareness is usually out of reach for most people.

In a perfect world we would all be able to see through this facade quite clearly. Return of Kings isn’t trying to start a revolution of men, they’re simply after clicks. Also, they’d be hard pressed to get any men on board who aren’t involuntary bachelors for life. Return of Kings core demographic have more in common with the recent Swiss cheese pervert than your average comely young male.

These guys will surely go the way of Dick Masterson and Tucker Max and all the other pro-men idiots that have an exceedingly small…bag of tricks. They’ll cause a ruckus for a small period of time, until the less mentally-stealthy among us finally catch up. When that happens, these guys will fade into oblivion, only to be replaced by some other sad-sack collective of put-upon beta males searching for meaning among their better looking brethren.


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